Thursday, December 25, 2008

DRAMA.... (buffy monologue-ish)

No! No!

What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to
make you go away... I killed you and it didn't help.

And I hate it! I hate that it's *so* hard... and that
you can hurt me *so* much.

I know everything that you did, because you did it to me.
Oh, God! I wish that I wished you
dead. I don't. I can't.

Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every
day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together.

But if you're too much of a coward for that, then
burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I
don't know what can. But do *not* expect me to watch. And *don't* expect
me to mourn for you, because...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Call of the Wild

One night after supper, the lead dog turned up a snowshoe rabbit.
The dog lay down low to the race, his body flashing forward,
leap by leap.He was sounding the deeps of his nature and the parts of his
nature that were deeper than he, going back into the wombs of time...



Night came on, and a full moon rose high over the trees...
lighting the land till it lay bathed in ghostly day.
And the strain of the primitive remained alive and active.
Faithfulness and devotion, things born of fire and roof were his...
yet he retained his wildness and wiliness.
And from the depths of the forest, a call still sounded.'

Monday, December 8, 2008

Have you ever felt like this?

I remember way back way back when
I said I never wanna see your face again
Cause you were loving yes you were loving somebody else
And I knew oh yes I knew I couldn't control myself
And now they bring you back into my life again
And so I put on a face just like your friends
But I think you know oh yes you know what's going on
Cause the feelings in me oh yes in me are burning strong

But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own

You used to call me up from time to time
And it would be so hard for me not to cross the line
The words of love lay on my lips just like a curse
And I knew oh yes I knew they'd only make it worse
And now you have the nerve to play along
Just like the maestro beats in your song
You get your kicks you get your kicks from playing me
And the less you give the more I want so foolishly

But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own...

No I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own

Never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I will never be a stepping stone

So much has been going on... I am stuck.

Just finished my last performance of Nutcracker at SUNY Purchase... Thank God! No more RATS or PARENTS!!! or nasty children... (long story)

I am really lost in thought, lost all the time with everything actually.

BUT.... I have done a lot. Fall Ball Purchase 08, hosted and performed 3 numbers and crowned the "new" queen... did not deserve it, but whateve...

I am goin out to party. I deserve it... hopefully I won't cause any trouble, lol.... u neva know.

I kinda like him... though he is so distant... (I'm not supposed to like anyone) So obvi... I gotta do me.... whatever the fuck that means....

Friday, November 28, 2008

Silent sense of content

So finally, a little piece of serenity. A break from school, roomates, and family.

Thanksgiving was good, considering it is only, I was happy to be with family and be on my way back to my apartment at school.

I am realizing a lot of changes going on. I am doing things I would have never done a year ago... or even 6 months ago. I would never regret anything I have done; however there is clearly a reason for my actions and my feelings, and I can not put my finger on it.

I don't feel like myself, parts of me are dying, and I am not sure if they can be brought back to health. I don't know if I am depressed, which is weird cuz... we ALL know what that feels like...

I just am not sure how I feel about life, whatever the fuck that means... not sure what my role is... and if it is even important. I feel like I am here, waiting, ignorant to whats to come... that I am insignificant....

I have not felt that way since I was younger, I have transformed from a scared lil boy, to a confident strong willed young adult, to a confused and scared 21 year old... I feel like my grandmother would have some words for me... I miss her

my temporary remedy will have to be Amy, she knows what to say.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

So... wow...

Is it possible to have everything you want and not being happy.

Granted, many things have gone wrong in my life but as of now... I am pretty chill, on the outside at least. What a mess I have become.

I am sorry.. I've never been this way-

show me the way outta here!

Friday, September 26, 2008

ok...

So I am a mess right now..... really drunk... and not ok...
I miss my grnadmother way too much... I break down once or twice a week and seldomly am depress. I wanna be happy, but I am now...

I am miserable... I have all this great stuff and all these great oppurtunities.... but I am not happy... and i don't get it...

I want someone to love.... but do I:???? I want to be amazing at everything like when i was oyounger ... but do I want to be that person...? I can't find a happy medium and it is freakin me out ... granted this will all prob be diff tomorrow morning.... I think I will listen to some Amy Winehouse and Jay Brannan... maybe I will feel better... fuck you, fuck me... and die :)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Friday, August 29, 2008

~*Sigh*~

I feel tons better... I have taken some dance and fitness classes, resigned from my job, ready to go back to skewl....

It is time.

God and Granny... Gimme Strength!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I read this for my granny's funeral. RIP Graham Cracker. Look out for be babe

Life confuses me- birth; death, good and evil, power and vulnerability. I know I have not been everything my grandmother wanted me to be, but I know God created her so she was everything I needed.

Most people know my grandmother as Min. Harris. I knew her as Grams, Granny Cakes, Graham Cracker, but secretly she was always in my head a super hero. She did everything- nothing short of saving the world- she was amazing.

I don’t know if many people know this but my Grandmother raised me as a child, molded me into what she thought I should be. Because of this I inherited characteristics of hers that I battle with constantly. Stubbornness, selflessness, lacks of skills communicating, yet a great sense of self and judgment- that’s Granny.

This day has been on my mind nonstop. And to be honest, this is extremely hard for me.

My grandmother had great plans for her life and she supported all the great plans and dreams that I had. She supported me in everything I did… whether it was the path she wanted for me or not.

I knew one day my grandmother would pass and I would have to deal with this day- I always hoped that it was the other way around.

I took a job this summer at a ballet school in Pennsylvania with kids. If I ever felt like I couldn’t deal with a situation or a person, I called my grandmother for help. She always guided me in the right directions and/or just listened and gave me much needed feedback and wisdom to keep me somewhat sane. This ballet intensive was long, so I always made sure I got to hear her voice. I came back after the dance intensive and told my grandmother I was going back to Pennsylvania to dance and work in the office for 2 more weeks. She said, that would be great for me, and she knows I would learn a lot.

Those few days I was back in NY she was so sick, the sickest I had seen her. She was admitted into the hospital on July 29th. I went crazy when I found out, cried in the middle of the street.

When I got in touch with my grandmother the next day she told me she would be back home soon and there was nothing to worry about. She was wrong. They kept her longer then what we anticipated. Because of this I could not kiss her goodbye before my two weeks away in PA

When I got back to New York, my aunt Kelley picked me up from 242nd St. and took me and my brother to visit my grandmother. It was really hard for me to see her in the hospital. She was so fragile. The one thing I knew I had to do was kiss her and hold her hand. People need physical contact, we all do. The fact that Grams was in the hospital and the only contact she was getting was needles to skin… I knew she needed something less abrasive.

I held her hand, rubbed her fingers, her palm, the top of her hand and arm. She needed it. And most of all, I needed it.

Her voice was so faint, but one thing she made clear was that she wanted to go home. Take that anyway you want to. I took it in so many different ways; heaven, her apt, being with family, being with me… and so many other possibilities.

Though it was hard for me to keep it together, I did, I tried to stay as strong as I could, as strong as Grandma would if she was in my chair and I was in her bed. I did a good job up until my brother grabbed her hand, kissed her forehead and said, “God please take care of my grandma, make her well, and watch over her.” I couldn’t listen to anymore, my hearing stopped and the tears poured. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t be as strong as my Grandmother.

I kissed her about 4 times, told her I loved her, and said, “I will be back.” This was the 17th of August. She passed on the 19th. I felt like I needed to be with her that Monday. And on Tuesday, the day she passed, I was eager to see her earlier. I text’s my aunt saying, “the next time you go see grandma, please let me know, I want to come with.

All I wanted to do was stay with her. Before I found out she passes I made plans that the next week I would stay with her the whole week, just so she had someone there rooting her on, holding her hand, letting her know she is needed.

The majority of the world could never measure up to my grandmother, and I am not just saying that, trust me. She is pretty fierce. I miss her smile and her crazy laugh, her wisdom and sweet voice. I doubt that there is one person who has came across my grandmother and has not been touched in a significant way, a life changing way. She has done everything in her power to make sure myself, her family, and friends were always taken care of- she always made herself her last priority no matter what the circumstances were- even while she was sick. And through it all I know we needed her more then she needed us.

I have beat myself up every hour about how I just wanted to be with her just one more time, even during her passing. I made sure I was always there for her but that Tuesday; I felt she needed me by her side, but I wasn’t there. I couldn’t say one last time that I loved her and some how forced her to stay with us. But though I did not get to sit by her side I know my love for her was not a secret. Everyone who knows me, or who I have come across, knows how much I love and talk about my grandma.

I wish it were I instead of her (I didn't get to say this). She had so much to give the world and had so much fight in her still. As my aunt Kelley said to my brother and myself when we went to go visit her, “she is much needed.” I truly believe that, and though I selfishly want her back beside me- I know she will always be watching over everyone here as well as myself. She was truly a gift from heaven, a joyful angel that could not be stopped. I love you more then life grandma, guide us, and I am sure we will be brought together again.

So everyone, please don’t be angry, bitter, or spiteful. Don’t feel guilty! Please know that grandma is always with us, she is always with you. She has given us all the tools, the wisdom, and the love we needed- so lets not let her death be in vain, and use them- and love each other.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

a lil' more time (I posted this on facebook, and felt as though it needed to be here as well)

As some of you may or may not know, my grandmother has been very sick for about 6 months. She was hospitalized about 2 ½ weeks ago because she could not hold any food down. She was supposed to leave at the latest 3 days. She never did.

On Tuesday, August 19th my grandmother died.

She was basically my mother; she has raised me since I was a baby.

This is very strange to put this information in a thread, but it’s the easiest way for me to tell people without causing a scene and getting emotional every time.

The reason why I chose to tell you guys is because most of you knew her, if not just heard amazing things about her and more then likely this affects a lot of my relationships. She has been my source of strength and sanity. I love her more then I love my own life, I truly do.

I am unsure whether I will be attending school in the fall. The only reason I would is because I know my grandmother wants me to. I am also not picking up my phone a lot, I am slowly talking to people, and so I apologize in advance.

Her wake is on Monday and her funeral on Tuesday. I am not saying you guys have to come or should I come, I just know some people would be interested in coming.

I am all right. I just really need time as of now.

If you have any question, you can call or text me.

And for those of you who may be interested in the time and place of the wake and funeral, just inquire I will get back to you somehow. I don’t even know the details, for my aunt has been making all the arrangements.

I love you guys,
Davon
914.325.1574

Monday, August 18, 2008


This mess is me* My look change so often, even I can't keep up. I can't find that scarf though... kinda pissed about that...

Birth of a Chance

This should actually Death of a chance.

A lil' about me. Davon, 21, student, dancer, teacher, cashier, artist. Vegetarian for 2 years... shh, I actually I had some meat tonight though (naughty me!!)

I thought this would be a good way to get myself out there, my work, and my voice (or lack there of seeing that this is all through the net)

I say whats on my mind, which usually gets me in trouble. I do what I feel... which makes people feel awkward. I am who I am... which usually scares people away

This is me, my work my art, my mind, from conception is my my work, my life, my birth... Davon Chance